
Let's start by stating the obvious: of course you are happy for your friends! Whether it be a job change, a new boo, a wedding, or even the addition of a couple kiddos, you are likely cheering your friend on from the sidelines. We love to see our people win in life.
But when that "win" or new milestone comes with a shift in life stage or focus, it can be bittersweet. You notice that your friend's priorities have changed. They may not be able to answer the phone or go out for spontaneous lunch as often as they used to. Their topics of conversation become harder to relate to. What you once both shared an excitement for...starts to feel one-sided. And while you may be jazzed to go on another trip (the Amalfi coast sounds great this time of year!), your friend may not be so quick to join.
It hurts to feel that you are drifting apart. Things are just different, and it's no one's fault.
But also - this doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship. Sure, there are some beautiful connections that had an awesome season and then reach a state of fond closure. However, if you can reconfigure the way you look at your friendships, you may find that it is still possible to keep an ongoing relationship with them.

Accept Change, Let Go of the Past
Acceptance is key to finding new solutions for your friendship. When we resist change, we keep ourselves stuck in a mental prison, a version of the present that doesn't actually exist. You may have experienced this in dating - when a certain person didn't work out, but you spend the next few weeks, months or years pining over what used to be. In doing so, it's impossible for you to see the positives in any potential new dating partners.
In the same way, we want to accept that a change has happened in the friendship. You have different routines now. Or you don't share the same hobbies and interests as before. Or you are in different stages of life with different priorities: one of you is focusing on enrolling the kids in extracurriculars while the other is looking for the next travel destination. We must first accept that this change has occurred.
Then, you must allow yourself to express gratitude for the friendship that you did enjoy, and release this stage of life to its proper time.
When you were in middle school, what career did you think you'd have as an adult? What were your favorite TV shows? What fashion really represented you? Now think of who you are today: are you exactly the same? No, hopefully you allowed growth to happen. Hopefully there is a new chapter that you are writing. This doesn't mean that the middle school version of you is wiped away or unimportant; simply that you are allowing yourself to add on to your story.
This is the art of accepting change and letting go of the past. Can you do that with your friendships?

Welcome a New Routine in Your Adult Friendships
Once you have accepted change and released the past, it's time to get solutions-oriented. Can we observe what exists now and adapt to it? For example, if your schedules are vastly different, what would be the best/most realistic time to get together, undistracted? Sure, it may be convenient to get on a phone call from different time zones or make a drive (or flight) more than 30 minutes - but if this friendship is worth keeping, then the discomfort may be worth enduring.
If you are someone who tends to internalize the change in the friendship as rejection (i.e. overthinking if you don't get an immediate text/call response, or interpreting their "no" to a social event as a sign that they are a bad friend), consider an alternative interpretation. What type of communication does work for the two of you today if the old model is no longer a good fit?
But What if My Friend Isn't Putting in Their Share of the Work?
Now, if you are in a situation where your friend is slowly fading (or even ghosting) you, this conversation shifts a bit. After all, it's hard to find middle ground if the other person is not interested in meeting you there. First, let's acknowledge the disappointment in that. It hurts to be in a situation where someone who meant something to you suddenly becomes less responsive or less communicative. And even if there is no malintent on their part, the hurt still exists. I'm sorry that you have lost a friend that you cared about; especially when it can be so hard to form deep friendships to begin with.
For some, this leads to completely giving up on looking for new friendships. Maybe you are an introvert and putting yourself out there is already a bit of a cumbersome task - you can't imagine having the energy or time to build a new friendship from scratch. Or maybe you are a guy, and find it a bit awkward to initiate conversation outside of the occasional head nod at the gym.
But if you do desire to have a community and support system around you, giving up just can't be an option! Just like singles who hope to find a long-term spouse and life companion can't give up just because they've had a few relationships that didn't go the distance.
Instead, consider how adding a new routine to your daily schedule may open up opportunities to form new bonds with others who are in a similar stage of life or share similar interests. I wrote another blog post about this topic in the context of dating, but it is very similar with friendships. Do you want a friend that you can go for a run with? Consider joining a running club or training for a marathon with a group. Do you want to be able to have brunch and mimosas with a side of girl talk? Groups like Atlanta Social Club on Facebook and Eventbrite offer chances to connect with others who actively want to do the same thing.

Find New Community that Matches Your Current Stage of Life
If you are able to continue your friendship, that is awesome! But, you may notice that some of the differences remain. They still have a spouse and kids that require their attention. They still live in another state. They still have different topics of interest. You may find that you still will benefit from expanding your friendship circle to include new faces that share your stage of life.
Above, I suggested adding to your daily routine in order to increase your chances of meeting someone new. To take it a step further, ask your current self if there is anything you have always wanted to do that you have never done before? Or is there anything you used to do that you now miss? Take this as opportunity to accomplish two things at once: spark some curiosity while also meeting others who take similar leaps of faith!
That dance class that you've been trying to drag others to (but they weren't interested)? Yeah, that one. Sign up solo! If you played soccer in college, consider a local recreational league. Have you always wanted to travel out of the country but could never get the conversation out of the group chat and into the air? Consider a group travel company like FTLO Travel, or find your favorite travel Youtuber and download their itinerary for an adventurous solo trip.
Creating Community in the Same Stage of Life is an Ongoing Evolution
Realizing that your friendships have shifted or dissolved is disappointing and bittersweet. But this type of change is also inevitable to the cycle of life. Without realizing it, you may be that friend that has drifted away and found a new playground. And if you are single and hope to create a family someday soon, you will likely need to adapt the same tools in this article in order to build new community that suits your new stage of life. The evolution goes on and on.
In what ways will you expand your social circle?
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Nominate Yourself - or a Friend
If you find value in meeting singles with shared values, Mesa Gatherings may be a good fit for you. And if not, we are happy to refer you to other organizations that also offer in-person events in and around Atlanta, Georgia. The goal is to have options for those who are tired of swipe culture. Let's find what type of gathering fits you best.
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